Identifying Underlying Needs Behind What You Want

Picture this: you’re about 7 or 8 years old and are shopping with a parent or other adult. You’re walking around the store and there are about a million things grabbing your attention that you really, really want.

In a bold moment of bravery, you grab something and in your kindest voice ask…”Can I get this?” And in only a moment, your desires are dashed by one simple statement…

“That’s not a need; it’s a want.”

I think most of us have been there. In that moment, our souls know that thing we’ve seen has the potential to change our lives! But we’re often taught that wants aren’t the same as needs — they’re something separate altogether.

But what if they’re not?

I talk a lot about wants versus needs in my line of work and I’ve discovered something: many wants actually point back to a need. I’m not talking about the “basic” needs we’ve been taught about. You know, food, water, or shelter. These address our physiological needs — the needs we have in order to survive.

But if we are only considering those needs, we’re missing out on a very important piece of the puzzle. We must also consider our psychological needs, which point to self-determination theory.

Here’s what that looks like: each of us has the need to feel competent, autonomous, and have a sense of relatedness in our daily lives. These needs often present themselves in ways that look like wants. 

The thing is, if we pay close attention, we can figure out what actual need they point toward. This can help us meet the need, even if it’s through another avenue.

So how do we identify the underlying need? One of the best questions to ask is, “What ‘need’ does this ‘want’ meet?” I follow that up with a series of questions that can help us figure out not only what the need is, but also the best way to meet it.

Let’s say I want something I have deemed unhealthy for me. I sit down and ask myself the following 4 questions:

1. What need does this ‘want’ have the potential to meet?

2. When did someone tell me, or did I decide on my own, this ‘want’ is unhealthy or unnecessary?

3. Is it actually unhealthy or is this a message that has some kind of unhealthy agenda itself?

4. If it IS unhealthy, what’s a healthier way to meet that need?

Here’s an example (albeit an extreme one!):

Let’s say I want a car that will cost me $100,000. I know I can’t afford to buy the car, but I still find myself trying to come up with ways to make this purchase — despite my knowing it’s not financially feasible. I go through the questions and see what comes up.

1. What ‘need’ is this ‘want’ meeting? I have a need for transportation, but that’s not the only need I have. I also have a need for feeling like I belong and am successful. If I have this expensive car, I believe I’ll fit in with a certain group of people and feel successful.

2. What’s a healthy way to get this need met? When it comes to my need for transportation, I can buy a less expensive car. But on a deeper level, I have to address the need I’m feeling to fit in with a group of people who will accept me based on my wealth. There is another way of feeling successful so I don’t go into a mountain of debt, I just have to figure out what it is.

Here’s another real-life example maybe more of us can relate to: I want to eat dessert at this restaurant. But if I do, I’ll feel guilty or selfish.

1. Is there an underlying need dessert will meet? Could it be that I'm seeking comfort or enjoyment?

2. Who told me, or when did I decide, that having dessert was bad, selfish, or unhealthy? Is it something a parent said? Was it an article I read that stuck with me?

3. Is dessert actually harmful for me or did that message come from bad science or a shaming agenda? Did my recent A1C data reflect I need to be more mindful of my sugar intake?

4. If I decide it’s truly an unhealthy choice for me to have dessert tonight, how can I meet my need for enjoyment or comfort in a healthier way? Who can I connect with on a close level? Is there something I really enjoy doing that will help me feel fulfilled?

When we can identify the underlying need the want we have is pointing back to, we have the power to make the decision that’s best for us. In this last case, that could mean deciding to enjoy the dessert without guilt or shame, or maybe it would mean spending some quality time with someone we love instead.

The next time you want something, give this exercise a try. My hope is it helps you not only meet your underlying needs, but also gives you the necessary information to make the decision that’s best for you.