Changing My Hair Changed My Life!
Have you ever realized something you’ve been doing for a while no longer serves you?
I have, and it happened again recently. Some might call what I did drastic, and truth be told, it was. But it was also necessary.
The reality is, I’d been struggling with my hair for a long time. It was long and beautiful, but it was also time-consuming and stressful. Washing, drying, and styling it took so much time (and energy) that I found myself avoiding it.
Most days, I’d wash it, then throw it in a wet ponytail. Either that or I’d wear a hat so I didn’t have to do anything with it. That’s how I was living my life the majority of the time. If I had a speaking engagement, I would invest the time to do it all start to finish, but otherwise it was ponytail living.
And don’t get me wrong: there’s not a thing wrong with ponytails — they are amoral, really. No moral value either way, good or bad.
But the ponytails or hats weren't the problem. Without actually styling my hair, I felt awful because I didn’t feel like myself. That was the problem.
After dealing with this for months, I actually started wishing I could shave my head. But I realized thinking my choices were either full-on style my hair OR shaving my head was black and white thinking — and I chose not to engage in that.
I knew I didn't have to choose between having my hair down my back or being bald. There was a solution somewhere in between, so I started looking around for what I thought might work for me.
I decided a pixie cut might be the best way to go. But I didn’t do it right away because I started getting in my own way again by thinking of all the reasons why super-short hair wasn’t okay.
“Can plus-sized women look okay with short hair?”
“Am I going to be judged for having shorter hair?”
“But all my photography for my business shows me with long hair — even my book!”
“What if my husband doesn’t like it?”
I finally decided to coach myself, asking…
“Since when do you care about what other people think about the body you have to live in?” (I don’t.)
“Since when is your relationship with your partner based on how your hair looks?” (It isn’t.)
“Since when is your brand about your hair and not about doing compassionate things that help you thrive?” (It never has been and never will be.)
My answers led me to one conclusion: it was time to cut my long hair off.
The truth is, I didn’t even know if I would like it. But what I did know is that I WOULD like the function it would bring back into my life. I WOULD like the freedom and the time I would get back.
So I did it. I cut it all off.
Now, it’s a “quick dry, straighten bangs, pomade in back and done” type situation. And that feels amazing.
The only thing I wish I’d have done differently is listen to myself sooner. My frustration, shame, and sadness with the daily ponytail or hat routine was trying to tell me something — that it was time for a change.
But here’s what’s most important: I finally DID listen. I listened and made a compassionate change to help myself.
People tell me all the time they don’t have time to engage in burnout reduction strategies. And my response is always something like, “If burnout reduction isn’t bringing energy into your life, you’re using the wrong strategies for you.”
It’s been about a week since I cut my hair. The energy I feel is incredible.
One small change. Loads of mental and emotional energy recovered.
But now I’ve got some questions for you:
When was the last time you took a risk to make your life more functional?
What's the "unruly hair" that’s making your life more difficult right now?
What do you need to stop doing because it no longer serves you and your emotional health?
What do you need to start doing to bring energy and compassion back into your life?
Know that you are worthy of compassion, goodness, and function.
Whatever that looks like for you, do the thing.
What is a Burnout Management Plan?
Wondering what one of the most common questions I get on social media and in Q&A sessions is?
“What is this burnout management plan you speak of? And while we’re at it, how do I create one?” *insert curious eyebrow raise*
If you want a short and easy answer, it’s, “Read my book.” *Wink*
That’s because in my book, THRIVing After Burnout, I spend the first 22 (short!) chapters explaining the five pillars of burnout recovery, including evidence-based strategies to address each pillar. Chapter 23 is where I lay out the framework for establishing a long-term Care Plan.
But since I don’t believe in gatekeeping information, let’s talk about why you need a Care Plan and what it includes.
Why a Care Plan?
Like any transformation we want to experience in life, we’ve got to have a little bit of knowledge and a plan to implement it.
And since our brains love patterns, and we’ve spent most of our lives “doing life” and “doing work” a certain way, changing that pattern requires both intentionality and strategy. In fact, there are whole professions (e.g. trainers, dieticians, life coaches, therapists, etc.) that help people make life changes — because simply put, life changes are HARD.
I always like to say, “There are no magic beans for burnout.” No matter what you hear on the internet, healing will take time and it’s not easy.
The good news is, it’s not impossible either — as long as we’ve got a solid plan.
One that helps us prioritize new ways of being, and one that has a high probability of success. That’s because it offers more than vague steps to follow — it’s got scientific evidence that supports its effectiveness.
What Are the Parts of the Plan?
Your Care Plan needs to include practices and new ways of being that address as many of the pillars of the THRIV model as are reasonable for you.
The best strategy? Start small and add practices over time. This ensures you don’t overwhelm your brain with too much change all at once.
First, ask yourself what commitments and practices you need to make to make sure you:
Tend to Yourself
Harness Social Support
Recharge Through Detachment
Ignite Compassion Satisfaction
Vow to Honor Your Humanness
Then to break it down a bit more, ask yourself what routines, events, and interventions could help you make small, strategic shifts in each of those areas.
Routines - something we do regularly the same way each time
Events - activities that support us, but are less regular
Interventions - activities that help us come back to a state of calm if we become upset
Once you have a set of them for each part of the THRIV model, you’ll have a robust burnout management plan. One that will take you into the future with hope for long-lasting change.
As you implement one or two changes at a time, you can amp up your plan. When you do, you’ll notice something: it will start to feel more a part of who you are, versus a set of routines, events, and interventions.
How Can I Get Help?
On March 19th, I’ll be hosting our first quarterly Teacher Care Network Well-Shop, where we’ll be digging into developing your burnout management plan — or as I prefer to call it, your Care Plan.
We’ll be talking more in depth about each part of the plan and discussing options for routines, events, and interventions.
You’ll also have opportunities to create as we go, and have conversations in the chat and breakout rooms about what might work for you.
Now, for my favorite part:
This year, TCN Well-Shops are all set up as a “Pay What You Can” option. That means that regardless of your financial situation, there’s still a spot waiting for you!
You’ll be able to attend live with us and contribute only what you can. Replays will be available, but will have a reasonable set fee to help cover the costs in making the recording available.
Where Can I Sign Up?
I am so glad you asked! You can hop over to my Well-Shop registration page to save your seat. I can’t wait to see you there!
(In the meantime, if you’re not already in the THRIV Support Community, head on over and join us!)
Finding Silver Linings
Let me tell you…the week before last week was a WEEK.
We had a lot going on in our little family, but we had an ironclad plan in place: we would be moving from Wichita Falls, TX, to the DFW area, on Thursday. We had a truck scheduled (hopefully a better experience than last time) and all of the other things we had going on would have been done by then.
By “other things,” I mainly mean the speaking event I committed to on Tuesday at the Learning Forward Texas conference. Since we were moving on Thursday, I would be able to focus on being prepared and doing a great job. Once that was done, I could shift my focus back to the big move.
But you know what they say about best-laid plans, right?
At the last minute, the move got switched from Thursday to Monday. Not only did this leave us 2 less days to prepare, but also placed the move squarely one day before I was scheduled to speak.
“It will be fine,” I said. “I’ll put everything I need for the conference in my suitcase,” I said.
I had it all outlined to perfection. I figured it would take 3 hours to load, then the drive to our new city was about 3 hours. It would take another 3 hours to unload (maybe even less because unloading tends to go faster, right?). I’d have plenty of time to find what I needed to be a fully functional professional the next day.
But the universe said no. Our movers finally finished unloading at 1 AM and by then, I was exhausted. But the next day, I got my tired behind up anyway.
I grabbed my suitcase and got ready with the few necessities I had available, then headed off to teach my session. It was on reducing drivers of organizational burnout to professional learning leaders across the state of Texas. Despite not feeling perfectly ready, I was excited.
I mean, was I my typical put-together self? Not so much. I was still in a professional, albeit very wrinkled, suit. I was overly exhausted from the move. It left me feeling less-than-thrilled with my tired and wrinkly life choices because this was not my norm.
But you know what? I was also loving it.
Despite being somewhat out-of-sorts, I was about to do something I absolutely love. Not only that, but I got to see people at the conference I absolutely love, too.
It only took me 45 minutes to drive to the conference, instead of the hours it would have been from the old house. And when I was done, I got to go to my new home, where my family was waiting for me, instead of having to stay in a hotel.
Those things made the tiredness and wrinkledness totally worth it.
Life loves to throw us curveballs, you know? We can plan everything to perfection, but chances are there’s going to be at least one kink (if we’re lucky) that pops up.
We have two choices at that point: we can either stress and freak out or we can roll with it and ride the wave the best we can. It might not be perfect or the way we pictured in our heads, but it can still be pretty spectacular.
Here’s why: life is so much sweeter when we can find the silver linings in even the harder things.
That’s my wish for you and me: may we find silver linings in everything. May we let go of the expectations of perfection we place on ourselves and just embrace the good things we’re able to experience.
That goes for even the times when we make marginally poor life choices, too. You know, like picking up your entire life and moving the day before an important event. 😉
Does Venting Really Help?
It all begins with an idea.
Venting. It’s one of those things most of us do on a relatively regular basis. When we encounter a situation that doesn’t feel good, we find the closest person we trust to listen.
We talk. They listen. They might even offer feedback. But at the very least, they nod understandingly and gasp or ahh, when appropriate, to show their support.
When we’re all done, we feel SO much better. The weight has been lifted, our stress has fled, and all is right with our world.
Or is it?
So many of us have bought into the belief that free-range venting is like hitting this imaginary relief button. We think it helps us process the circumstances surrounding our stressful situation, so we can move through it and get on with our lives.
But that isn’t often the case.
Relief doesn’t always come because while we consciously know the situation has passed, our bodies don’t. We recount what happens, and the same hormones that came when we encountered the situation flood our system, making our bodies believe we’re still in danger.
Instead of bringing us the release we’re hoping for, we get all twisted up again.
So what’s the solution? Should we never ever vent again? Not exactly. Venting does have value, especially when you need someone to step into the situation to assist. We don’t need to stop doing it, we just need to change how we go about it.
In these situations, I have an exercise I’ve adopted that helps me see the circumstances differently. Reconstruing the experience (make meaning of it) through a series of questions helps me better understand what happened and make sense of it. The result is it allows me to process it in a way that provides greater value.
Here’s an example: my family is in the middle of buying a house and selling ours, all at the same time. The house we’re buying has quite a few issues, but we’ve only requested a basic A/C maintenance service and for one drain to be fixed. Pretty simple, right?
Not to the seller. In fact, initially, they refused it. And to be honest, it really irked me! Out of all the things we could have asked for them to do, we felt this was pretty basic and probably would have been requested by most buyers (hello, we live in Texas — we need our A/C working!).
But instead of just letting it go, it kept bothering me! I couldn’t shake the thoughts surrounding it from my brain.
Next thing you know, I was venting about it to soooo many people. You’d think that would have helped alleviate the stress the thoughts were bringing me, but it didn’t. I eventually realized what I was doing and was able to acknowledge that it wasn’t helping. I knew I needed to do something different.
So I sat down and asked myself the following questions…
Why was this so stressful for me?
Why do I think I’m reacting to the situation/person that way?
Why do I think the other person reacted the way they did?
What have I learned from this experience?
Does looking at the “big picture” help make sense of this experience?
Here’s the gist of what I came up with:
The reason I was so upset about this is that we’ve been bending over backwards to give the buyer of our home everything they wanted — like painting under the bathroom cabinets. We did them without a second thought because we wanted our buyer to be happy.
But the seller of our new home wasn’t doing the same. In fact, they weren’t even trying to make us happy. We weren’t being given even close to the same consideration we were giving our buyer. And that ticked me off. Know why? Because it felt unjust.
I finally came to this conclusion: not everyone is like my husband and me. Not everyone cares if their buyer is happy. And not everyone cares if someone will pass on their property because it isn’t in great condition.
But you know what? They’re entitled to that. They have every right not to care just as much as I’m allowed to care.
Once I was able to get into that headspace, I felt so much better. I was able to be content with giving grace to our buyers without expecting it in return from our sellers.
I can almost guarantee that if I’d kept on the path I was on — venting to everyone willing to listen — I would not have reached that place of peace I did when I finally decided to figure out the whys of the situation instead of just sharing my frustration with others.
But here’s even better news: you can do the same thing, too. Next time you’re upset, frustrated, angry, or disappointed with a situation you’ve been involved in, take a few minutes to dial into the why of it all using the questions above.
It can make all the difference.
Identifying Underlying Needs Behind What You Want
It all begins with an idea.
Picture this: you’re about 7 or 8 years old and are shopping with a parent or other adult. You’re walking around the store and there are about a million things grabbing your attention that you really, really want.
In a bold moment of bravery, you grab something and in your kindest voice ask…”Can I get this?” And in only a moment, your desires are dashed by one simple statement…
“That’s not a need; it’s a want.”
I think most of us have been there. In that moment, our souls know that thing we’ve seen has the potential to change our lives! But we’re often taught that wants aren’t the same as needs — they’re something separate altogether.
But what if they’re not?
I talk a lot about wants versus needs in my line of work and I’ve discovered something: many wants actually point back to a need. I’m not talking about the “basic” needs we’ve been taught about. You know, food, water, or shelter. These address our physiological needs — the needs we have in order to survive.
But if we are only considering those needs, we’re missing out on a very important piece of the puzzle. We must also consider our psychological needs, which point to self-determination theory.
Here’s what that looks like: each of us has the need to feel competent, autonomous, and have a sense of relatedness in our daily lives. These needs often present themselves in ways that look like wants.
The thing is, if we pay close attention, we can figure out what actual need they point toward. This can help us meet the need, even if it’s through another avenue.
So how do we identify the underlying need? One of the best questions to ask is, “What ‘need’ does this ‘want’ meet?” I follow that up with a series of questions that can help us figure out not only what the need is, but also the best way to meet it.
Let’s say I want something I have deemed unhealthy for me. I sit down and ask myself the following 4 questions:
What need does this ‘want’ have the potential to meet?
When did someone tell me, or did I decide on my own, this ‘want’ is unhealthy or unnecessary?
Is it actually unhealthy or is this a message that has some kind of unhealthy agenda itself?
If it IS unhealthy, what’s a healthier way to meet that need?
Here’s an example (albeit an extreme one!):
Let’s say I want a car that will cost me $100,000. I know I can’t afford to buy the car, but I still find myself trying to come up with ways to make this purchase — despite my knowing it’s not financially feasible. I go through the questions and see what comes up.
What ‘need’ is this ‘want’ meeting? I have a need for transportation, but that’s not the only need I have. I also have a need for feeling like I belong and am successful. If I have this expensive car, I believe I’ll fit in with a certain group of people and feel successful.
What’s a healthy way to get this need met? When it comes to my need for transportation, I can buy a less expensive car. But on a deeper level, I have to address the need I’m feeling to fit in with a group of people who will accept me based on my wealth. There is another way of feeling successful so I don’t go into a mountain of debt, I just have to figure out what it is.
Here’s another real-life example maybe more of us can relate to: I want to eat dessert at this restaurant. But if I do, I’ll feel guilty or selfish.
Is there an underlying need dessert will meet? Could it be that I'm seeking comfort or enjoyment?
Who told me, or when did I decide, that having dessert was bad, selfish, or unhealthy? Is it something a parent said? Was it an article I read that stuck with me?
Is dessert actually harmful for me or did that message come from bad science or a shaming agenda? Did my recent A1C data reflect I need to be more mindful of my sugar intake?
If I decide it’s truly an unhealthy choice for me to have dessert tonight, how can I meet my need for enjoyment or comfort in a healthier way? Who can I connect with on a close level? Is there something I really enjoy doing that will help me feel fulfilled?
When we can identify the underlying need the want we have is pointing back to, we have the power to make the decision that’s best for us. In this last case, that could mean deciding to enjoy the dessert without guilt or shame, or maybe it would mean spending some quality time with someone we love instead.
The next time you want something, give this exercise a try. My hope is it helps you not only meet your underlying needs, but also gives you the necessary information to make the decision that’s best for you.
Getting Ahead of Next Year's Burnout
It all begins with an idea.
Summer break is here, friends…and if it’s not here yet for you, HOLD ON because it’s coming! I feel like it’s been a whirlwind already and it’s only just begun.
We’re…
In the throes of preparing to move (in less than a month — EEK!)
Dealing with the headaches of buying a home — while selling a home
Knee-deep in developing my Burnout Recovery Tool that’s scheduled to roll out to some districts in the fall
And ALL I can think is:
WHO APPROVED THIS? *laughs weakly*
Of course, I kid. ALL of these things are amazing, but it’s just been a bit much with them happening all at once. It’s left me feeling a bit drained.
But then I start thinking of all you amazing teachers who are feeling the same thing. Not because you’re doing all of those same things, but because you have been doing ALL THE THINGS.
Let’s be real, here…you’ve been doing them since the beginning of the school year! (And if we’re both being brutally honest, it was even well before that.)
I know you’re totally stoked about having 12 glorious weeks away from the classroom — it’s so well-deserved and much needed! But is that the solution to months, or even years, of your perpetual burnout?
Not. Even. Close.
(And all the teachers said, “AMEN.”)
That’s because most teachers’ summer break schedule looks like this:
First half: catch up on sleep, try to relax, read a few books, and enjoy the rest of life for a change - and training.
Second half: back-to-school planning mode, preparing for the year ahead - and more training.
If this is you, you’re NOT alone.
Here’s the thing, though: just because you’ve been doing it the old way since pretty much the dawn of time doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it.
And with June’s upcoming Optimizing Your Summer to Prevent Burnout Well-shop, you don’t have to.
This quarter we'll…
Explore what worked this year.
Consider what you want to change to support your emotional health next year.
Learn strategies to develop habits that will help prevent burnout in the 23-24 school year.
If you’re one part excited about summer break, but one part sad because you know any relief it brings won’t last, then I encourage you to join us.
While summer break is amazing, it’s no secret it’s NOT the solution to burnout. It barely scratches the surface of the rest and rejuvenation you need — and deserve.
So let’s do something different this year, shall we? Let’s implement a plan that can help you get ahead of next year’s burnout before the year even starts.
Oh, the last thing is I don’t want the cost to keep you from coming, so once again I’m using the pay-what-you-can registration.
My goal for you is to not only overcome existing burnout this summer, but take steps to keep it from happening in the first place.
So will I see you there? I sure hope so.
What a Home Repair Taught Me About Myself (and Burnout)
It all begins with an idea.
I had a realization last week. I was actually excited about doing a home repair with my dad.
I love spending time with him, but working with wood has never been my thing, so it seemed really odd for me to be this excited about it!
What’s even more strange is that it’s not even something I want to do.
The repair is something requested by the people who are planning to buy our house. There are two small wooden pieces that are damaged on the gable. It’s never been something that bothered me, but they want it repaired. Fair enough!
So we reached out to a contractor to get a quote for the repair. It came back at $400! For two 9-inch pieces of wood? I think not! Luckily, my dad came to the rescue.
Dad felt he could accomplish it for much less and he has 50 years experience in doing repairs on his property, so we decided to go that route.
But then he suggested I work on it with him. I mean, it’s never a bad idea to learn how to do these sorts of things, right? Plus, I’d get to use a miter saw. Sign. Me. Up.
I went out and bought the wood pieces we’d need, but they needed to be cut to the right size with a specific angle. Good thing we’ve got an original piece. We’ll use it as a template to cut the new ones to the right specs.
As I gathered everything we’d need to make this small repair, I was still trying to understand why I was so excited about this! Working with wood, or saws for that matter, is not in my wheelhouse. Know what is, though?
Analyzing a problem.
Pouring through research and gathering data.
Formulating a plan, troubleshooting, then pivoting where needed.
It’s exactly what I do in helping people overcome burnout.
First, I identify where the problems lie so I can help formulate a burnout management plan.
My THRIV™ burnout recovery model has five pillars, each of which has an impact on burnout:
Tend to Yourself
Harness Social Support
Recharge Through Detachment
Ignite Compassion Satisfaction
Vow to Honor Your Humanness
Through extensive research, I was able to outline ways the needs in each of these areas could be met. Then I developed strategies and provided tools to help implement them.
From there, we test to see what works (and what doesn’t) so we can find what helps people overcome burnout.
That’s pretty much what my team, and a bunch of teachers who have expressed interest in beta testing my Burnout Recovery Tool, are about to embark upon.
We’ll be implementing the tools and strategies outlined in my book, but it will be a bit different this time. We’ll do it in a group setting where everyone can work together and offer each other support. I am SO excited about it.
Understanding burnout and how to overcome it is like a puzzle, really. You find all these pieces and one by one, you figure out which ones fit where. When you’re done, you have a complete picture that fits together well.
I am still marveling at how a simple little home repair could give me such insight into how my brain works and who I am as a person. It helped me to see why I do what I do — and why I love it so much.
I think if we’re paying attention, we can see hints of things like this all through our lives. Tasks that seem menial can actually provide an inside look at how we operate as people.
Talk about fascinating!
If you’re interested in being a part of our beta testing group for my Burnout Recovery Tool, I’m still looking for amazing teachers like you to be a part of it.
All you’ve got to do is complete an application and we’ll be in touch.
I encourage you to pay attention to the things in your life that give you a peek at how your unique brain works and the feedback they provide about how you became who you are.
You never know what you might learn.